just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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