i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
