its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
