just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You can't just leave with hair like that
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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