Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
