just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
