She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
