My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
