i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
