i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
