Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
