How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
