the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize