I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
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We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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