rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
