thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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