sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
