Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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