Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
