dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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