I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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