I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
