I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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