Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
