hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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