Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Nicole vs. Life
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
