why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
third nipple confirmed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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