i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
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My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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