Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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