You can't motorboat a personality
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
