You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dick very happy bro
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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