her vagine was all disorganized.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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