just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am available for nakedness
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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