he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
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I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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