you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
my liver is dry heaving
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize