So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
