Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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