Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
