all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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