We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
