Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
