I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
