We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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