I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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