You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
