Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
