And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
