i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
