so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
