How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
