she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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