Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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