Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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