Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
