apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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