He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
