I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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