I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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