the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
